Silent Sunday - early light through the woods

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Becoming all to frequent a response

Periodically over the last 4 months, I've managed to meet several men who have piqued my interest.  It could be that they are interesting or witty or can dance or are simply handsome.  Let me just say that the initial contact was made by the men and not me.

The end response from all of them has been the same.

"She is very nice, but not in a romantic way".

Where am I going wrong?

And what is wrong with me?

It seems that all the men in my age range are still looking for women who might be able to have babies and the ones that are interested in me are over a decade older than me.

I'm not ready to be with someone in their 50s.

So what do I do?

I feel like I want to just throw the towel in and give up.

Too many knocks is chipping away at my small piece of confidence.

Is there someone out there for me?

If so, please could you signpost the way for him.

Thank you.

Please return to....but I can't

What do I do with the word 'hate'?

It is such a strong word and carries a great weight.

My daughter used it earlier this evening.

She was stroppy and huffing about the place, not doing the small things that she had been asked to do before she could do what she wanted to do.

I had asked her nicely, but to no avail.

I asked again and then I shouted.

Maybe I shouldn't have shouted, but I did.

I also told her that we both had chores and that I also had work to do.

She was hungry and tired.

She started to try and make a deal.  She would do the chore if she could watch the telly.

I don't do deals.

I said that I was going to do some work and not make supper (childish I know).

Her response was to say, "I hate you!!!!!"

I just sat there.

It hurt.

Her words hurt me.

I didn't respond.

She came and stood next to me and in my face, saying "mummy".

I told her that her words hurt me.  That they had been said and couldn't be unsaid.

She started to cry and wanted to start the evening over again.

We started a fresh from that point.  It wasn't a do-over, but we moved on.

The trouble is, is that I don't know what to do with that word, hate.

I don't want her to hate me and I don't think she does.

But it hurts when she says that.

Shhh.....don't tell anyone

I had a half day earlier this week and was walking up the road when I bumped into a friend of mine.

We had been trying to meet for coffee for ages but without much success.

I asked what she was doing and she replied that she was going to see the senior performance of 'Cowboys and Aliens' and did I want to go with her.

My response was a resounding YES!

The film was not so great, but it was a wonderful, secret afternoon spent at the cinema.

Definitely a guilty pleasure!!!!

Hell explained.......

This was posted on a friend's Facebook page and I simply had to share it with you.

HELL EXPLAINED

BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well : Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. There fore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.' THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Taking 'babe' out for a run

I often talk about language as I grew up with the written word and am very partial to speaking.

(Not that many people listen).

A few months ago, I decided to start using the word 'babe' as a term of endearment.  A dear friend uses it regularly, along with a male friend that I'm close to.  

So I began to use it mainly in texts and then on the phone, but unfortunately it just didn't sound right.

I'm not sure if it is my slightly, very well spoken English or my personality, but it came out all wrong, it did not sit well on my tongue.  

It made me think about the character of the words that we use and why we sub-consciously and consciously choose to utter certain words.

Part of it must come from our childhood and how our family spoke to us and yet, so many of us are 'sheep'.  We go with the trend, the latest hip word as if it were a new style of shoe or jacket.  I remember when Jamie Oliver first came on to the scene, everyone was using 'pucker' and 'wicked' and we were all 'wacking it in the oven'.  And now these words have become much more the norm, until the next time a celeb comes up with a new saying or phrase.

With that being said, I have reverted back to an old favourite, which does roll off the tongue nicely, 'darling'.  I'm not a luvvy sort of person, so it is not 'daaarrrling', but the character of the sound suits me and feels natural.

I don't bandy it around, but those select and wonderful people in my life will continue to be called 'darling' on occasion.

It's what works for me.

So what's your word of choice?

Silent Sunday

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A Sunday rant.....nothing silent about it!

I've met a few men in the recent months and had continuous, really good conversations.  Not too flirty, but full of humour, slightly playful and then NOTHING!!!!!!!!

I wish this 'meeting-men' thing came with an instruction manual.  I'm pathetic at it.

I'm trying to be more open minded and less specific on what my so-called perfect man is, thus I'm meeting the occasional interesting man or so I think.

It just feels like we get to the point when we start being a more open in what we talk about and "wooomph!!!" silence.

I just feel like saying, when is it my turn?

Trials and tribulations of online dating

I keep trying this as a possible resource for meeting a new partner, but without much success.

I have just finished a month's subscription to the Guardian Soulmates.  My profile had been active since July but without much interest, then just at the end of August, an interesting chap emailed me.  In order to respond, I had to subscribe, so I did it for a month.  The chap and I exchanged many emails and then moved on to texts.  And then there was nothing.  He did not reply to my jovial text.  I waited a week and then gave up.  I have no idea why he didn't continue our conversation but it left me feeling a bit despondent.   I'm about to go into a crazy, busy 8 months and so I decided not to renew and maybe try again later.

My best friend joined after me and has managed to already have one date.  In fact, many of my friends have met their partners online, so why am I finding it so difficult?  I've sent out emails, I've 'liked' various men but had no response back.  I wonder what it is about me that does not interest others enough to even have a curiosity about me.  I want to meet someone and I want to share my life with someone.  Should I stop wanting it and get on with my life?  My sister thinks that if I stop looking, it will happen.

So, I'm going to try not to dwell on it.  Patience will have to be a virtue.

Silent Sunday - fleur de jour

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Past

My friend used to live across the river from Manhattan in Hoboken.

I can remember her telling me her story from 911.  She was standing in her pijamas, on the telephone to her mum in Michigan and looking out of her living room window.  The first plane hit the north tower and she stopped talking.  A massive, dense black cloud of dust came towards her from across the river.  The second plane hit the south tower and she ran out of her building in her slippers and pijamas.  She didn't know that it was two planes that had caused the dust cloud and her mind switched off.  Hysterical with fear, she just kept moving.  We heard from her two days later.  She was traumatised by the attack.  Her mum drove to New York and picked her up and brought her home.  She couldn't live there anymore.

The attack on 11th September 2001, did more then just kill thousands of people, it created a sense of instability and vulnerability with it's destructive nature.

Tonight, I will light a single candle to honour all those who were and still are affected by what happened a decade ago.

Not really Cricket

This is a bit like saying that it just isn't British.

Well the telly was inadvertently left on tonight, while I was wallowing in a hot bath (makes me sound like a hippo, which I am not, although I do feel like one sometimes).  

And I'm lying there wondering what it is I am listening to.

I hear roars and screams.  There is the sound of mad applause.  The commentators voices rise in pitch with fervent excitement.

I get out of the bath, wrap myself in an over sized towel and walk back into the living room.

To my amazement, it was cricket.

Not a world cup football match, or the finals at Wimbledon, but simply an England vs. India cricket match.

Whatever happen to civilized, gentle clapping, eh?

FWB

So I have a question, in light of the film out at the moment, what do we think about having a 'friend with benefits'?

Eavesdropping....

I have a friend who is also another blogger.

She is someone that I consider to be like a sister.

My child calls her auntie.

She is part of my extended family.

But recently she wrote a post about a night out that we had.

There was another couple of friends with us but while she was up for a night filled with drinking, the rest of us were not.

She managed to chat to a young bloke while we were waiting for our table, which didn't surprise any of us as she is stunning and then our table was ready.

The meal was fantastic but most of us were happy with one cocktail, she had 2.

At the end of the night when we walked out of the restaurant, the young bloke was walking towards us.  She went off with him and we all went home.

This evening I read her blog about that night.  It was from her perspective.

She was peeved that no-one wanted to drink that night.  She wanted a wild night and was disappointed that I for one didn't.  After reading her post, I felt like I wasn't enough.  I have never drunk more than one drink and she has known this from the beginning of our friendship, so why would she expect anything different.  

Reading that post felt a bit like being an eavesdropper and you know what they say about eavesdroppers, that they never hear good of themselves.

But should that really be the case amongst good friends?

Or should I just let it go?  She is after all, completely free to write and express whatever she wants to, about whomever she wants to, regardless of who is going to read it.

Is it a case of 'bygones'?

Quietly relieved, slightly worried.

My young cousin, only 17 years old, has just moved back to London.

She grew up here until she was 9 or 10 and then her parents moved back to the South of France where her mum is from.  Her dad, my uncle, is quite a difficult man and had my cousin quite late in life.  Over the first few years, the parental relationship broke down and then began the tug of war with my poor cousin in the middle.  The result of which is an emotionally upset young woman with serious body issues, not to mention her worries about commitment.  She desperately wanted to get away from them and come back to London.  Her school grades were good enough that she has been accepted at a 6th form to complete her A'levels.  She arrived a couple of days ago to move in with my aunt, who lives near the school.  My concern for her is that the aunt is also a bit difficult, but also with this new freedom away from the constraints of her parents, will she run off the tracks?  I'm hoping it will be the opposite and that this will give her some inner peace.

I wish her much love and luck with this next stage of her life.

I am here for her.

Silent Sunday

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I always expect it but hope that it doesn't happen...

I am obligated to take my child to her father for 30 days a year and while I appreciate that this isn't really a lot of time, it does require extensive travel twice a year.  We split the time up into two trips.  After all, who can stay anywhere that isn't home for a whole month?

I make these visits happen and to some degree, my ex appreciates this, but what he aware of is the difficult behaviour that comes after these trips.  My daughter is full of attitude and is quite honestly, very rude.  She pushes all the boundaries and then tells me she is sorry and is tired.  But this is a repeated pattern and I don't know how to deal with it.  I know that I am the grown-up in this relationship but this isn't in the "how to raise a child by yourself" manual.  We are both tired with jet-lag and my calmness deserts me.  I know that it has to do with having different house rules with each parent.  Her step-mother allows for her to wear nail varnish, which I don't.  That is only one example of where we differ and being different is ok, it is how my daughter and I react to these differences that decides the impact on our lives.  Apart from the very early years, this dilemma occurs after every visit and I am still none the wiser about how work through the behaviour and help her settle back down into our normal home life.

I wonder if this will continue to be our pattern or if, as she matures and develops, it will improve or not with age.  I love her dearly but feel like I sometimes let her down with my mothering skills.

Past the point

So that's it.

I've done it.

Gone passed the point of no return.

I have just returned from a jaunt to far off places and needless to say have jet-lag.

At 10pm tonight, I was yawning.

Did I go to bed?

No.

11pm rolled around and then midnight.

Along came a very wonderful bath and finally I have found myself in my bed.

The sheets are delightfully clean and crisp, just how I like them.

But the light is still on.

Why?

Because I have gone passed the point of no return.

I missed the 'sleepy' hour.

I missed my window of opportunity.

But I am optimistic that once my head is horizontal and the lights are out, that I will fall fast asleep.

Fingers crossed.

Please?

On a slightly lighter note

Passing through a rather 'nice' neighbourhood earlier today, I noticed this shop had taken preventative measures.

Kate Kuba had taken all their mega expensive shoes out of the window display.

Were they afraid that the looters might want to have a right shoe in gold and a left shoe in silver?

Or that all the local yummy mummies would suddenly turn ferrel and raid Kate Kuba, right after they loot the Space:NK and Whistles.

I mean seriously......really????

Silent Sunday

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the parent story - part 2

It happened again.

I'm just closing the door to my child's room and my mum is getting ready to just go.

To leave, almost without saying goodbye, again.

I wanted to say to her, that she is running away, like I used to do when I was younger, but I didn't.

Instead, we started to talk about the stuff that had been building up.

She feels that I am always exasperated with her, that I'm rolling my eyes.

And I feel that she is always critical of how I do things.

She doesn't feel very welcome at the moment and feels that she is only around when needed as the babysitter.  Which isn't true.  She has a busy life and will tell me that she wants 'a day' to herself.  Yes I do need her as a babysitter, but it's not just that, I also enjoy her company.

The problem is, is that I don't do things the way that she would and so she criticizes me for that, saying wouldn't it be better to do this or to that.  She feels that I don't give my child enough time to wind down at the end of the day, that I expect to be ready when I am.  But what she misses out on is seeing me tell my child that she has until the end of that programme, or she has 10 minutes, or that she has until the end of the chapter.  After that, I do a countdown from 5.

Mum says that I don't have much patience with my child, which harks back to not being a good enough mother.

But tonight what hurt the most was when she said that she felt no warmth from me and that I had become harder.

I looked at her, amazed that she could say that and pointed out that it would be difficult for me not to have changed after some of the stuff that I had been through.

I can't expect her to be able to put herself in my shoes, but I would have hoped for a modicum of empathy.  Her early life was no bed of roses, but she had a good marriage, 3 healthy children, a house, a career grandchildren who love her.

She is not living my life.

My life could be worse, but it is certainly, most definitely not a bed of roses.

Silent Sunday

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Home alone but not really?

To set the scene, I live in a converted Victorian house.  My flat is perfectly fine and perfectly located for our needs, so no complaints.  On a different floor of the same house is another family with 2 children.  It didn't take us long to become friends and to make use of this friendship.  We bought a baby monitor set and swapped keys.  They go out together as a couple maybe once a week, while I go out twice a week.  Our children have grown up with this system, but recently my mum has started asking if my child is ok with me going out and admittedly, sometimes she does say, "mummy, I don't want you to go out tonight."

But what do I do?  If I stayed in, would that then send the message that she can decide when I go out?  Or should I stay in to be a 'better' mother?  Would this be considered neglect even though my neighbours are listening for her?  Is it any different from hiring a babysitter?  My child loves this family and we are both saving money.  Or does it have nothing to do with my going out but more to do with her father leaving?  Is it the idea of being left?

There are fundamental difficulties in being a single mum and this is once such dilemma.

Does anything have to give?  Or do I continue on as before?

It is something that I need to ruminate on and float about in my mind.

An older parent

There seem to be quite a few moments recently where I'm finding that I'm struggling with my mother.

I am the sibling that lives the closest to her but also I've assumed, more or less, that I will take on the role of local carer.  I have a young child and I'm embarking on a new career, so I could never be the full time care for her, but I will certainly be the 'go to' person.

This is not happening yet or indeed in the foreseeable future, as my mother is very healthy and doing well.

But I am getting glimpses of something that I hadn't seen before.

She seems to be more vulnerable and also takes offense more quickly then in past years.

She assumes that when I'm upset about something and I'm showing it in my face, that it has something to do with her or she has done something or that I don't want her here with me.

And this is what she did tonight.

After a long story time, my daughter finally cleaned her teeth and climbed into bed.  Lots of kisses and hugs from me and her grandma, and her door was closed and I could finish off my chores.  I had a wash to get on, so I whizzed around picking up bits of dirty clothing and threw them in the machine.  Mum said something, and I simply replied that I needed to get the wash on before it got too late.

Next thing I know, mum is picking up her bag and leaving.  There is no kiss goodnight, just a good bye.

What do I do?  Should I just let it ride?  Was she offended?  Do I apologise?

This is really frustrating.  It's not easy being a single mum and I really do appreciate all the help she gives me, but I could do without these moody moments or is this simply a by-product of getting older?

Silent Sunday

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Silent Sunday

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Silent Sunday

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Striking a balance

I am currently finding it difficult to retain a close friendship without feeling squashed.

I have a friend who very recently moved into the area and is now doing a lot of the same things that I am doing and I feel like I am losing my space.

I know it is my own issue and that I need to sort it out, but sometimes, I just want to do my 'fun' stuff on my own.  I want to meet the new people and get to know them.  I'm a single mum and want to have the opportunity to meet a man, but my friend is in the same boat.  She is particularly beautiful and vivacious and I pale in comparison.

I'm not sure how to manage this.  I don't want to lose this friendship and I truly enjoy the closeness of it, but I'm struggling with the adjustment of proximity.  And if I'm really honest, I'm also struggling with a bit of the 'green eyed monster' and my insecurities.

I think I need to remind myself that we are all unique individuals, each with our own wonderful facets and all different to different people, which in theory is all great, but how do I put it into practice?

Ahhhh.....help.

Silent Sunday

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Red or Grey - now that is the question

My daughter's school is closed today for strike action, which I agree with but at the same time get really pissed off about as it means yet another day of learning is missed.

The plus-side of this day off, is that I am able to lie in my bed with my coffee, listening to the birds tweet in the garden, while my daughter attempts her homework.

Suddenly there is this shriek of excitement.

"Mummy, I can see a red squirrel in the garden!!!!!"

"Really darling, are you sure?" is my unexcited response.

"Oh no....no mummy, it was only a grey one", there were undertones of sadness.

And on we went, with me slurping my coffee and my child muttering about spellings and literacy.

"Mummy?  Did you know that there are only 16 red squirrels left in England?"

"Um...no, I didn't", I replied.

"Yes and one of them is in our garden", she said with pride.

Amazing what they learn at school these days.

Silent Sunday - early morning light

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Divide and conquer

It's not really about conquering, but more about diversifying.

One of my goals with this blog, was to explore alternative blogs, blogs that maybe weren't just written by mothers or friends.  I want to see what other people have to say and how they have to say it.

I think mostly, it is about self-expression.

My form of self-expression used to be dance and art, and to some degree it still is.  But over the years, I have found that my love of words and my use of the vernacular has grown and developed.  And this is what I hope to explore further.

In an effort to return......

In an effort to return home at a decent hour to let the babysitter leave, I left my event 1/2 hour before the end.  The evening had begun with me following a Lamborghini along a road with speed bumps.  The man driving it looked like a young boy with his dad's toy and he also didn't seem to know how to handle it.  Following him was excruciating.  The toy was precious.

To say that leaving 1/2 an early was a wasted half an hour is an understatement.  I sat in traffic trying to turn onto Exhibition Road, which had become one-way due to road works.   Then I came face-to-face with 2 cars going down it the wrong way.  The first was a very rude man in a very flash and expensive car, while the second was an apologetic woman in a small people carrier.  Finally I crawled my way like the Serpentine through Hyde Park.  So many soggy people slowly wending their way home but meandering all over the place.  Then onto the Edgware Road and all I can say is, please give me patience.  This had me dodging the police cars that were driving towards me on my side of the road.  Made it to Maida Vale in one piece and up into St. John's Wood where I got tackled by a rather large Audi.  Hampstead Lane was another joke with people still coming out of the Kenwood Concerts.  Finally, the home stretch up to the northern regions of London was clear.  Please let there be no more silly people driving silly cars tonight.  

I normally love the drive home late at night.  The streets are more peaceful and you can zip happily through the neighbour hoods.  Hopefully next time the roads will be kinder to me.

First and Foremost

With the worries and woes of every day life and that of being a mum, I am finding it increasingly difficult to voice my concerns and to celebrate the good stuff.  So I have created this blog to put a voice to my happiness, my sadness and everything in between.