Surreal conversation

I was taken out to dinner by an amazing man to an amazing restaurant for my birthday.

But what keeps making me giggle, is remembering our conversation.

He asked me about Fifty Shades of Grey.

And so I told him.......

........not your average chatter over dinner!

On reflection

Having indulged in the whim of Fifty Shades, I had an epiphany moment yesterday evening.

My ex-boyfriend appeared at an event I was at.

It took me a while to bring my emotions under control.

I laughingly told him, as I did 6 weeks ago, that as I probably wouldn't see him for another year, that I was going to dance with him.

He told me that when he saw me here, he almost left.

Why did he then stay?

Having danced many dances with him, I came away from it feeling confused again.

He had me dance with my eyes closed.

He told me he was going to show me a different way to do a particular move.

Trusting him implicitly, I closed my eyes.

For me, sadly, this was a heavenly experience.

I am a sub to his dom and I'm not sure how to change that.

I wish he'd never reappeared.

After over a year, I'm shocked that he can still produce so much emotional turmoil in me.

An empty space where once a friend stood....

It seems that I have indeed been dumped, as I had thought back in my post dated 14th April.

The situations is as follows.

The man my friend is seeing happens to be the ex of someone that I know.

All things being equal, both women were going to attend my birthday gather....a very informal event and more about eating good food then anything.  However my friend has decided that she and her family cannot come and that she cannot keep the other arrangement that we made.  This conversation took place by phone and I was left feeling shaken.  I wanted to cry.  It is that feeling of being unwanted and wondering if I've done something wrong.

It hurts me that she cannot and doesn't want to be there.

I have made so many attempts at doing something with her over the last few months but she seems to be always busy or has a mega-long to-do list that needs finishing.

I've been getting scraps of her time.

We have not done any of the things that we talked about doing, days out with the children, meals out, London walks.  Nothing.

I've known her a long time and this saddens me.

I'm happy that she has met someone that makes her happy and that she has her own circle of friends, but sad that she doesn't feel able to make room in her life for me.

I do wonder if we'll find a way back from this.

Silent Sunday

Silent Sunday

Feeling twice dumped

I know, not very up-beat posts lately but in between the posts, life is very fine.

But back to the matter at hand.

Having been dumped after a some-what short relationship with a man, I also feel like one of my dearest friends has done the same.

She started seeing a man in late January and this guy has now been introduced to her children, while I'm really happy for her, I barely get the chance to see her.

Between other newer friends and this man, I seriously feel like she has no time for me.

The thing is, I'm not even asking for a lot of time.  But where we would grab a coffee after school drop off or afternoon tea while the children played together, now nothing.

It's always, "sorry, but I'm meeting _____ (new friend) for coffee" or "sorry, but ______ (new man) is popping over".

I'm coming to the point where I'm wondering how much more effort should I be putting into this friendship.  I feel like the friendship that we had, which has been a strong friendship for the last 8 years is disappearing before my very eyes and I don't know what to do about it.
I wonder if I've done something to offend her?  Or if I've done something wrong?  

I've tried talking with her and she has said that she too feels like there is a gap here, but I don't see any signs of her changing how things are with us.

I do wonder if I'm blowing this out of proportion and whether I should simply be happy that she has found someone.  Am I jealous?  Yes, of course.  I would love to meet someone that I felt strongly enough about to introduce them to my child.  But this isn't it.

She talks about doing stuff but there is never any follow through.  I've suggested new destinations to visit with the children too, but no date is ever set.  Either that or I'm too late.  It's this feeling of being brushed aside.

So what do I do?

Do I do anything?

If so, what?

Or am I just making a mountain out of mole-hill?
I'm missing my friend.

3/4s left to go

I feel as if I simply haven't had enough time in the last 4 months to write anything.

So just in case I run out of said time, I will keep this short.

Lets just call it a synopsis of life or rather the abridged version.

Everyone knows that life as a parent can be hectic but life as a single parent is sometimes a logistical nightmare.  Throw into the mix the hopeful desire to possibly meet a decent member of the opposite sex and well now I'm asking for the impossible. 

But somehow, I did manage to meet a very nice man, who ticked most of the boxes.

Breathing √

Single √

Solvant (relatively) √

Nice looking √

A gentleman √

Already has children √

Thinks I might be the 'one' X

And so that relationship came to an end after 2 months.

And then today, my aunt and uncle were talking about a friend and his partner.  They referred to the partner as the 'love of his life'.

That's what I want.

I want to be the 'love' of someone's life.

So then why is it so difficult to meet that person?

It seems that the people who tell me to stop looking and then it will happen, are all happily ensconced in wonderful long term relationships.

Hmmm.....what's wrong with that picture, eh?

Ok....so you got the potted history of my non-existant love-life since the New Year.

Next time I promise to write something more exciting and more insightful.

Depth and breadth will be explored!

Silent Sunday

Silent Sunday

Silent Sunday

Silent Sunday

On the buses

I have been spending more time on the buses this year then I did last year.

(I'm talking about the academic year)

And I've noticed something about older men.

Forgive me for generalising, but many older men like to sit on a double seat with their knees open.

The knees being open means that they typically take up more than half the seat, thus making it difficult for another person to sit comfortably on what is left.

Surely they're aware that there isn't much room for a second person.

My other gripe, although I'm going to call it an observation, is about secondary school children.  If I can't the 8.15am bus, then I find that I am squashed between 100s of very loud teenagers.  The decibel level on the bus goes through the roof and the language is unbelievable.  These teenagers all have on the uniforms and are representing their school.   It makes me wonder what the school would think.  They seem oblivious to anyone else and show absolutely no consideration for other people.

Perhaps it's me.....am I getting old?

Silent Sunday

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The first post of the New Year!

Firstly, I think it is appropriate to say Happy New Year to everyone.
And for those of you in Germany: Guten Rutsch
And in France: Bonne Année
And a nod to my Welsh friends: Blwyddyn Newydd Dda 
The list is endless, so I'll stop there.
On reflection, it seems that my language list could go on for quite a while as I have many friends and family who live both far and near, from Zimbabwe to Dublin.

Having read the lovely Emma's blog about her New Year's Eve experience in Bavaria, it makes me think about all the traditions that exist in other countries.  Not just in other countries but within our own individual communities and families.

As a teenager growing up, I hated New Year's Eve and always had disastrous parties.  But in my early twenties, things did improve a bit.  I can remember one when I was probably 21 or 22.  I went with a couple of girlfriends to a bar in Camden.  There was lots of dancing and I bumped into two friends of my brother's, Tom and Chris (3 years younger than me).  They were gorgeous and I flirted outrageously, dancing with both of them.  But if I had to keep score of good NYE nights, then I think it was one of the best.  

I can remember choosing with my now ex-husband to sleep through one NYE.  I also remember a really awkward fancy dress party that we went to that one of his school friends was having.  I don't drink but everyone else did, I couldn't wait to get home.

The past few years, I have spent NYE out with some fairly new friends and we go dancing.  I don't feel any pressure with them to do anything but dance and that is fine.  But what I'd really like is to be able to spend NYE with a partner, doing something low-key or having a dinner party for friends or watching the fireworks from a distance.

Will it happen?

I have to remain optimistic and raise a glass half-full to toast in the New Year.